-I found myself changing majors after 3 semesters because I realized I didn't want to be an engineer. (I am rather fond of natural light and social settings that don't include awkwardness and rescue inhalers.)
-I found myself hungry because I spent all my money on tuition and fees. (I had been working three jobs at the time, and still didn't have enough money for food. Seriously, there was only mustard in the fridge and crackers in the pantry. Those two things don't mix well, lemme tell ya.)
-I found myself in the Army recruiter's office signing my life away because they would pay for my college tuition. (It made sense at the time...I was hungry.)
-I found myself engaged to a guy that said and did all the right things when I was around him, but conveniently forgot that we were promised to be married while I was away for Army training. (I gave the ring back to his father. Turns out the guy didn't even pay for my engagement ring on his own. Yay for love...)
-I found myself in an up-armored Humvee with a .50 cal machine gun mounted to the top in Kabul, Afghanistan going to rescue men and women who had been in the blast radius of a suicide bomber.
-I found myself back in college unable to focus because of the images and sounds of battle that constantly haunted me. (I am fairly certain my Calculus II professor had mercy on me and gave me a C.)
-I found myself at rugby practice because I knew that was the only way I could take my anger out on other people without going to jail. (Best part: they weren't afraid to hit back.)
I found myself broken down and depressed because I believed the lie that if I worked hard enough and endured long enough that I could have the American dream.
I was lost.
What's really sad is that I experienced ALL of those things AFTER I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I knew that believers were called to a different purpose in this world. I knew that believers in Christ were supposed to follow his teachings and not live according to the way the world lives. I KNEW that, but I didn't DO that. I thought that God would just go along with what I wanted to do and everything would be happy and grand. It took seven years of trying to do everything on my own and failing before I started to wonder if this was really what God had planned for my life. I started asking questions like, "Was He really cool with the way I was living?" and "God, do You have something else planned for me and my life?"
No, He was not a fan of the way I was living. I was a two-faced Christian. When I was around other people, especially around other Christians, I would say and do things a certain way. I called it being the "Diet Coke KD Page." I was still me, but without the "bad stuff." Behind closed doors I let the "bad stuff" control me. It took years of living that way before I grew tired of the double-life. It also grew increasingly difficult to keep the two lives separate. The "bad stuff" started to overflow into the good. Finally, one night a good Christian friend asked, "What's wrong?" I'm not sure what came over me, but I started confessing everything that was going on in my life right then and there. I realized that I had been living in fear of judgement of other Christians and had never felt safe enough to be honest about what I was doing. When the confessing was over, instead of treating me like the horrible person I was, she did what she could to help me out of the pit I had gotten myself into. My life truly changed that night.
That night I knew I had to start living for Christ. When the transformation of self to Christ happens in a person's life, there is no turning back. My view of the world started to change. How I spoke to and treated others began to change. More importantly, my thoughts and desires changed. I found myself responding to the Creator of the Universe rather than running from Him. I didn't understand His impossible love for me, but I knew I wanted it more than anything the world had to offer. Above all, I wanted to live for Him.
Finding yourself is a lie. It's a waste of time too. After all those years of searching, I did not find myself. In fact, I was completely incapable of finding anything on my own, much less myself. Instead, He found me. He found me the way I was, broken and ashamed and covered with failure, and He loved me anyway. The amazing part is that He loved me so much that He began changing me into the person I will become. I know that person will be strong, joyful, and blessed beyond measure. How can I be so sure of that? He promised me, and I know He always keeps His promises.
